#1 – Blog posts can be typed with only one hand.
It’s true. Even the ever-evasive ‘capital Y’ – which requires a full 4 in. stretch across the span of the keyboard – can be performed. They say the longest word one can type with one hand is ’stewardesses,’ but I disagree, with parental superpowers it’s ‘pneumonoultrasilicovolcanoconiosis.’
I’m just worried what will happen if I ever need to type an ampersand! Shift + 7, what!?
#2 – You are able to get excited about things formerly only thought exciting in Adam Sandler movies.
The other day, we actually exclaimed, ‘Oh! She pooped!’ Before that, ‘Good burp!’ ‘Nuff said,
#3 – You have the power to lift humans with incredible swiftness.
What’s that? You’re lying on a changing table after having simultaneously eaten and used the restroom (or… used the diaper?) and you find yourself surrounded by a toxic swill of milk, saliva and stomach acid? No fear! Call a parent – they’ll deliver you from your predicament in no time. All the while holding a super-absorbent cloth to clean up the drool trails.
#4 – You can be germ-free (and make everyone around germ-free) at a moment’s notice.
Granted, this is more like a Batman superpower due to the fact that you have to use a special tool to perform this feat (Germ-X), but nonetheless… anyone else you know walk around with anti-bacterial instant hand-sanitizer (besides the parent’s worst enemy, Mysophobic Man)?
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This is just a few of the superpowers parents have. I’m sure the list will continue to grow as I develop my preternatural thought-power abilities (the power to talk in baby-talk exclusively for 6 hours, the power to say, ‘Oh! Unfortunate circumstance’ when you stub your toe, and ‘I significantly dislike when I get water in my shoes’ instead of the alternative).
Alas, I must go! There is a root-beer on a rampage and can only be stopped by typing a one-handed ampersand!
